


Open Your Eyes

by endemictoearth



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-26
Updated: 2014-04-26
Packaged: 2018-04-08 10:09:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4300746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/endemictoearth/pseuds/endemictoearth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From the scene in 2.02 where Rae imagines Finn is behind her when she looks at herself in the mirror. This fic wonders what if he was actually there?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Open Your Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a gifset made by justagirlnamedkayla.tumblr.com: 
> 
> http://justagirlnamedkayla.tumblr.com/post/83787530554/the-lip-drag-in-the-last-one

Rae turned her mirror around, Damon Albarn facing the wall for the first time in months. She took a deep breath.  _Okay, you can do this, just, take off one thing at a time. Your door is closed, Karim’s out lollipopping, Mum’s watching Changing Rooms and she never moves until both rooms are revealed. You. can. do. this._

She slipped her long sleeve shirt off to look at her arms. They seemed pale, because she never lets them see the light of day. And there’s that little bit that sags when she held them at an awkward angle. Her brain doesn’t really do reasonable when it comes to her body, and she can’t quite realize that a human almost never holds their arms in that position. She put her down hands at her sides and closed her eyes, standing there in her jeans and singlet. The sun on her back was warm, and she imagined that the heat was from Finn pressing up behind her, sweeping her hair off of her neck and kissing her. It felt so real, she could almost feel his lower lip graze clumsily along the nape of her neck. But when his hand snaked up under her shirt and along her side, she snapped out of it, shook her head, eyes still closed, and said, “I just don’t get it,” aloud.

“Get what?” A voice asked, a voice not in her head. It was in her room.

Her eyes popped open and she stared at herself for a second in the mirror, seemingly not registering that Finn was actually there, so he put his arms around her waist and she jumped away with a yelp. “What the fuck are you doing here!” she shouted at him.

Finn furrowed his brow in bewilderment, as he held his hands up. “You—ya haven’t been around much, so I thought I’d come visit ya. Your mum said I could just come up … An’ I saw ya standin’ here with your eyes closed an’ I couldn’t resist. Ya looked so—”

“I—You—That’s just—” Rae couldn’t get traction on any of the thoughts in her head to form a coherent sentence.

“What are ya tryin’ to say, Rae?” Finn whispered. When she didn’t answer, he asked, “What don’t ya get? Why have ya been avoidin’ me?” 

“I—” she put her finger up, as if to accuse him of something, but dropped it when she seemingly couldn’t find an explanation. “Ya just scared me is all.”

She turned to grab her jean shirt off her bed and shrug it on when Finn put his hand on her shoulder, the rough pads of his fingers gently resting on the soft curve of skin. “I’m sorry, Rae, I didn’t mean to. Should’ve said somethin’. Should’ve knocked. But I thought you would’ve heard the door open, and then, when I saw ya standin’ there, lookin’ so …”

“So … what?”

Finn smiled. “So bloody gorgeous.”

Rae took one step closer to the bed, one step farther away from Finn. His hand fell into the empty space where she was a second ago.

“Shut up,” she said suddenly. She’s said that to him before when he complimented her, but it’s always been joking, even flirtatious. This time it was like she really wanted him to shut up. 

“No!” Finn protested. “I won’t, Rae. I won’t stop tellin’ ya that you’re gorgeous, just ‘cause it makes ya uncomfortable. ‘Cause you’ve gotta get used to the idea. I plan on tellin’ ya for a long time.”

Rae shook her head vigorously. “I can’t—I just—” She turned to fix a piercing gaze at Finn. “Do ya have ANY idea how hard this is for me?”

Finn looked truly confused now. “What? What d’ya mean, hard?” Rae didn’t answer him and Finn flopped on the bed next to where Rae was standing. “No! I guess I don’t! Because you won’t talk to me about it! You won’t open up even a little bit! You disappear for a week and tell me you were “out of it.” I have no idea what that means, Rae!”

Rae worried her bottom lip, glancing away, out the window behind. She mumbled an apology. “I’m sorry, I’ve just had a lot on my mind.”

Finn sighed testily. “So’ve I! Mainly you!”

Rae froze, stunned into silence. “Wh-what d’ya mean?”

“I feel like we’ve been dancing around, playing at bein’ together, bu’ you’re not really there, are ya? You’re off somewhere, thinkin’ about what everyone else is thinkin’ about. You’ve been a real dickhead lately, Rae!”

“I’m not the dickhead, you are!” Even as the words left her mouth, she knew they weren’t true. He was kind and considerate and giving her space because he thought that’s what she needed. He’d called every day, several times, and she couldn’t face his questions, his kindness. So she pulled away, letting her mum lie for her, burrowing further into herself until he was forced to come and dig her out with a metaphorical pickaxe.

“Look, I’m sorry,” Finn started to apologize, and Rae snapped her head up. What did he have to be sorry for? She started to shake her head, saying “I didn’t me—”

“I’m sorry I got so drunk the other night. But you were pourin’ ‘em an’ I didn’t realize how much I’d had until it were too late. Did I do somethin’ stupid? I must’ve, since ya left before I woke up.”

“No, Finn. No. You were drunk, but nothin’ … I—I didn’t plan on it. I brought the bottle to give me courage—”

Finn searched her face with a look that asked why. Why she would need courage to be with him.

“But after—well, at some point it seemed like a better idea to get you drunk, so you—” Rae cut herself off.

Finn’s eyes kept boring into hers, trying to figure out what she was getting at. “So I what?” he finally prompted.

“I saw that picture of you and Stacey and I just, I couldn’t stop comparin’ myself. She’s so little and pretty, so beautiful, and I just don’t GET why ya like me.”

“I don’t.”

“What?” Rae was caught off guard.

“I don’t just  _like_  ya, Rae, I love ya.”

“You don’t mean that.” The words came out of her mouth almost before Finn finished his declaration.

Finn punched the bed next to him. “You don’t get to decide what I mean! You can’t decide who I fancy, either! Those choices are mine. They belong to me!”

Rae stared at Finn, finally seeing how frustrated he was with her, with their situation. He continued before she could find another way to tell him he was wrong about her. “Y’know how I know I love you?”

Rae shook her head quickly, ducking her head. “‘Cause I’m fuckin’ miserable without ya.” Rae peered up at him through her lashes. “And I’m so happy when I’m with ya. Even now, yellin’ at each other, this is the best I’ve felt in a week.” He took a deep breath and sighed through his nose. “I never felt that way about Stacey. I’ve never felt this way about anyone.”

Rae opened her mouth. She wanted to say something, but no sound came out, no words filled her brain.

“Just because two people look, I dunno,  _right_  together, doesn’t mean they are. Y’know?” Finn reached up to slip his hand into Rae’s and tugged on her arm to pull her to sit next to him on the bed. He gave her a minute to look over on her own, but when she didn’t, he guided her face to look at his with his forefinger. “You. Us. This. This feels right to me, Rae.” A tear trickled down her cheek and onto Finn’s thumb. He gently lifted his thumb to wipe it from her face. 

Rae’s breath hitched from crying. “But what if—what if I can’t do it? What if I can’t be what you want, what you deserve?”

Finn sighed again, this time through a smile. “Y’already are what I want, ya dickhead.” 

“But—” 

Finn shook his head. “You’re arguin’ with yourself, m’dear.”

Rae literally didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know how to sit, where to look, how to breathe. She was havin’ a panic attack. But instead of panic brought on by something bad, it was like this was too much good. Her brain couldn’t process his words. And he was going to want to eat them in a minute after he saw her hyperventilating in front of him. She nodded at nothing and then twisted around to put her hands on the wall under the windowsill, trying to get control of her breathing. She counted under her erratic breath; it never worked to count in her head—she had to say the numbers out loud. 

Finn didn’t get up and leave, he slid over to put his left arm around her, his right hand rubbing her shoulder to soothe her. “Rae,” he said, a slight tremble to his voice. “Rae, are ya alrigh’?”

Rae had already been nodding, and she meant to nod more vigorously, to confirm that she was. She was alright. But she wasn’t. And might never be. So her body told the truth for her, as she collapsed forward into a sob, her head swinging back and forth. No. No. No. No.

Finn pulled her into an embrace and just held her while her body was wracked with tears. Even the worst hurricane doesn’t last forever, and after what seemed like an hour, but was only about four minutes, Rae’s breathing began to steady, her tears began to slow, and she eventually looked up, fearing what she would find in Finn’s eyes. But when she found them, they contained nothing but love. And she still didn’t understand, but she was getting tired. Tired of keeping herself away from him when he wanted to be with her. And she wanted to be with him. So why? Why couldn’t she let herself be happy?

Rae’s mouth twisted into a half smile, and Finn grinned back at her. Then he grabbed her into another long embrace and gently kissed her neck again. Then her jaw. Then her cheek. And then.

Once he’d reached her lips, Rae was ready. She kissed him and knew he could feel it. He pulled out of the kiss after a moment to smile at her, to look in her eyes, check she was okay, before diving back in. They kissed for a long time. Rae had almost forgotten she was just in her singlet until she felt Finn’s hand slide under the hem and over the supple skin. She tensed, instinctively, but she didn’t pull out of the kiss, didn’t leap back and yell at Finn, she breathed in through her nose and held it for a long moment, slowly letting her breath out through her nose. Calming herself. Soothing herself.

When their lips broke apart, eyes fluttering open, Finn reached his hand up to caress Rae’s cheek, just as he’d done the very first time his kissed her. His eyes searched her face as he asked once again the question, “Y’alright?”

Rae smiled, then sighed. “No. But I will be.”


End file.
